I’ve started this post and re-written it a dozen and one times. I’ve cried whilst writing it and I’ve thought about not posting it at all. But the thing is in April my world changed – like literally flipped upside down. Now I’m not the biggest fan of rollercoasters but you don’t get a choice with the life one, you are on it.
YouTube star, Anna Saccone has recently told her story about her miscarriage experience and to be honest it inspired me to tell mine too. Anna’s right, there are not many stories out there – trust me I googled it – and that surprised me considering how common it is. But I suppose it is one of those stories that not everyone wants to share.
When I found out I was expecting, I felt like someone had come into my life and flipped all the furniture in the room over in a tantrum. I panicked. As you might have gathered, it was unplanned. I’ve always wanted to become a mum at some point in my life just not yet. Nonetheless, I spoke to my partner about all the options and what we were going to do next. But that’s when my world was turned upside down yet again – I don’t think this metaphorical room could take another round of furniture flipping but life was going to give a good shot.
Potentially ectopic. I remember hearing those words and thinking, what’s that? I felt clueless and helpless. Simply, it’s a pregnancy developing in the wrong place and can cause serious problems to your health if not caught. Back to hospital for another scan to confirm. Not ectopic.
Your emotions throughout the journey are endless, battling with hormones and what was a strange new experience to me but your support network is key. Every family is different and you might not want to tell everyone but what is important is you do what is right for you; from the moment you find out to the moment it draws to a conclusion. I haven’t said until it’s over because honestly, a miscarriage is never over. You will grieve, even I feel grief for the unplanned nugget (strange nickname but for some reason it stuck).
I had discovered the pregnancy at just 6 weeks and no matter the choice I had made in my head and/or my heart the decision had been taken away. I could have felt angry at this but what was the point, I just wanted to sort it out, get back to life and remember what might have been. This is also different for everyone for their emotional journey. It might sound cold to just get back on with your life but when you feel so numb it feels like the only way to break the cycle. By the time it was confirmed as a silent miscarriage, I was at 8 weeks. It can happen at anytime to anyone, it does not mean that you won’t be able to conceive it’s an unfortunate circumstance of events. I wouldn’t want anyone to experience what I did but I know that there are women out there who have or will experience something similar.
What did I do next? I waited. I gave it a week to see if anything happened naturally, but I was going away in the coming weeks and so I opted for the surgical procedure, I even got my own tea party from my hospital bed in recovery. I also found comfort in Nugget (the bear on the left) it was my way to be able to say goodbye and gain comfort when I needed it.
This has been my story but everyone’s in different. You are not alone and nor should you be.
Goodbye Nugget, you will not be forgotten xxx